How often have you thought about writing a scathing letter of complaint? It seems a bit old-fashioned these days, taking the time to pen down your frustration with the aim of a resolution or to warn others. But the truth is, if your complaint letter is written politely with facts and some flair, your letter will be read by the right people who’ll make efforts to ensure your bad experience doesn’t happen again.
Every now and then you’ll come across a real cracker of a complaint letter that pinpoints a common consumer frustration and is written with such eloquence & wit, it lingers in your mind long after you finish reading. In 2009, one disgruntled Virgin Airlines passenger took the lost art of epistolary communication to new, incredible heights.
Check out the whole thing below for some inspiration if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of service that’s just not up to scratch.
Dear Mr Branson
REF: Mumbai to Heathrow 7th December 2008
I love the Virgin brand; I really do – which is why I continue to use it despite a series of unfortunate incidents over the last few years. This latest incident takes the biscuit.
Ironically, by the end of the flight I would have gladly paid over a thousand rupees for a single biscuit following the culinary journey of hell I was subjected to at the hands of your corporation.
Look at this Richard. Just look at it:
I imagine the same questions are racing through your brilliant mind as were racing through mine on that fateful day. What is this? Why have I been given it? What have I done to deserve this? And, which one is the starter, which one is the desert?
You don’t get to a position like yours, Richard, with anything less than a generous sprinkling of observational power, so I know you will have spotted the tomato next to the two yellow shafts of sponge on the left. Yes, it’s next to the sponge shaft without the green paste. That’s got to be the clue, hasn’t it? No sane person would serve a desert with a tomato, would they? Well answer me this, Richard, what sort of animal would serve a desert with peas in?
I know it looks like a Bhaji but it’s in custard, Richard, custard. It must be the pudding. Well you’ll be fascinated to hear that it wasn’t custard. It was a sour gel with a clear oil on top. Its only redeeming feature was that it managed to be so alien to my palette that it took away the taste of the curry emanating from our miscellaneous central cuboid of beige matter. Perhaps the meal on the left might be the desert after all.
Anyway, this is all irrelevant at the moment. I was raised strictly but neatly by my parents, and if they knew I had started desert before the main course, a sponge shaft would be the least of my worries. So let’s peel back the tin-foil on the main dish and see what’s on offer.
I’ll try and explain how this felt. Imagine being a twelve-year-old boy, Richard. Now imagine it’s Christmas morning and you’re sat there with your final present to open. It’s a big one, and you know what it is. It’s that Goodmans stereo you picked out the catalogue and wrote to Santa about.
Only you open the present and it’s not in there. It’s your hamster, Richard. It’s your hamster in the box and it’s not breathing. That’s how I felt when I peeled back the foil and saw this:
Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s more of that Bhaji custard. I admit I thought the same too, but no. It’s mustard, Richard. MUSTARD. More mustard than any man could consume in a month. On the left we have a piece of broccoli and some peppers in a brown, glue-like oil and on the right the chef had prepared some mashed potato. The potato masher had obviously broken and so it was decided the next best thing would be to pass the potatoes through the digestive tract of a bird.
Once it was regurgitated it was clearly then blended and mixed with a bit of mustard. Everybody likes a bit of mustard, Richard.
By now I was actually starting to feel a little hypoglycaemic. I needed a sugar hit. Luckily there was a small cookie provided. It had caught my eye earlier due to its baffling presentation.
It appears to be in an evidence bag from the scene of a crime. A CRIME AGAINST BLOODY COOKING! Either that or it’s some sort of back-street underground cookie, purchased off a gun-toting maniac high on his own supply of yeast. You certainly wouldn’t want to be caught carrying one of these through customs. Imagine biting into a piece of brass Richard. That would be softer on the teeth than the specimen above.
I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was relax, but obviously I had to sit with that mess in front of me for half an hour. I swear the sponge shafts moved at one point.
Once cleared, I decided to relax with a bit of your world-famous on-board entertainment. I switched it on:
I apologise for the quality of the photo, it’s just it was incredibly hard to capture Boris Johnson’s face through the flickering white lines running up and down the screen. Perhaps it would be better on another channel:
Is that Ray Liotta? A question I found myself asking over and over again throughout the gruelling half-hour I attempted to watch the film like this. After that I switched off. I’d had enough. I was the hungriest I’d been in my adult life and I had a splitting headache from squinting at a crackling screen.
My only option was to simply stare at the seat in front and wait for either food, or sleep. Neither came for an incredibly long time. But when it did it surpassed my wildest expectations:
Yes! It’s another crime-scene cookie. Only this time you dunk it in the white stuff.
Richard… What is that white stuff? It looked like it was going to be yoghurt. It finally dawned on me what it was after staring at it. It was a mixture between the Bhaji custard and the Mustard sauce. It reminded me of my first week at university. I had overheard that you could make a drink by mixing vodka and refreshers. I lied to my new friends and told them I’d done it loads of times. When I attempted to make the drink in a big bowl it formed a cheese Richard, a cheese. That cheese looked a lot like your Bhaji-mustard.
So that was that Richard. I didn’t eat a bloody thing. My only question is: How can you live like this? I can’t imagine what dinner ‘round your house is like – it must be like something out of a nature documentary.
As I said at the start, I love your brand, I really do. It’s just a shame such a simple thing could bring it crashing to its knees and begging for sustenance.
Yours Sincerely,
Oliver Beale
To his credit, Richard Branson responded to Fairfax Media with this:
“I read it and laughed my head off. I was on holiday so I gave him a ring and we had a good laugh together,” he said. “We have actually won prizes in India (for our food) but it obviously wasn’t to an Englishman’s taste at all and I said we would make sure we tried to get the presentation more to his taste next time. I offered him the job of coming down the airline and seeing if he could help in terms of presentation.”
What do you think of Branson’s response? No doubt it would have been tricky to navigate a clever reply after such a droll complaint letter, and a Richard Branson phone-call would certainly have been a positive for Oliver. But beyond reassuring the media that Virgin Airlines’ food has won awards in the past, the entrepreneurial giant didn’t really offer his passengers a lot of hope for positive change in future flights on that path, although he did offer him a job.
Canity’s Dealing with Disappointed Customers series offers vital insight in turning disappointed customers into raving ones, so if you ever find your business on the wrong side of a complaint, you’ll be well armed.
